I'm Trevorand this is what I say.

That’s right, I said it. We’ve all either fell victim to this crime of ignorance or seen someone who has. An elementary-level math problem attacks while your fingers are nonchalantly resting on your home row and the first thing that comes to mind is: let’s have the computer figure it out! It is this critical point where your subconscious kicks in, refers to your deep and statuesque political belief structure and decides what the next few characters will be in your console. These characters are the definition of you. Let me explain.

Hello World

Encapsulated in that marvel of command-line wizardry only a lazy pirate would understand is your political perspective. Let’s break down each of the languages we can use to solve this problem so we can better understand your cognitions.

C

Federalist

Segfault. Sure, you have to start somewhere, why not C. It’s the parent of most other languages. I mean really, how many languages can be optimized by working with them in their native language, Java. None, that’s how many. C is the looming and meddling mother that needs to know everything about everyone, what they’ve done and what they’re going to do next. Segfault. It’s not only the bothersome Mom that wants to wipe your face with her saliva laced thumb, but also bringing the slaughter of maternal instincts that will beat your ass with a phone book if you don’t tell her exactly what you will do, how you will get there and the exact measurements and specifications of the vehicle you will take to get there. Segfault. It’s daunting to many, but the base of most; it’s literal and dangerous while being wildly fast and efficient; it’s everywhere and whether or not anyone likes it, it is here to stay; in a lot of ways, it is the alpha and omega of computer software: the begging and the end. When you chose it, it is your only choice; there is no alternative. Nobody wants to code in it, you just have to. It is with this that you are undeniably a Federalist. You had your heyday and that was a wild ride, wasn’t it? Though even though it’s all but vanished, the roots of what you are still define what has evolved from it. You’re the first and only alternative (I suppose there is Anti-Federalism, but that’s like writing in binary, right?) that has defined everything that has come after.

Java

Democrat

An institutionalized monument of strictness and hidden and necessary abstraction, Java has become the epitome of Democrat. It has even been rumored that Mr. Obama himself stays up at night, toying with the latest source release of J2SE 1.6 to try and find new optimizations while being rattled by the method signature returning an unknown exception he doesn’t care about sixteen levels up the stack. He cries. When he finishes, he reforms our health care system. Kinda like the Chuck Norris of presidents when you say it like that. Java, with it’s tight, pre-compilation type-checking and forced nature of OO, completely bundled class library (with everything you will ever need… seriously) and high-level institution managing the source with a iron first of supremacy. Don’t like computers? That’s cool, we’ve provided a VM where you don’t need one. Want multiple sorting methods to your hash keys? That’s cool, because we have pre-defined them all and given you all that you will ever need. Don’t understand UDP? That’s cool, because our socketing architecture only supports TCP – we’ve got your back! Using Java takes away your freedom to develop in the way you want, forcing you into the shell of programming management that is defined by another company altogether; regardless of the situation that you’re in. Sure, Java does a good job of taking everyone and everything into consideration, but that’s an awful big target to hit. But that’s OK, there is comfort in knowing someone has done most of what you need for you already and defined how you can do the rest. It is a lot easier to walk if someone gives you a wheelchair and places you on the edge of a tall hill with an extremely steep grade, right?

Perl

Reform Party

You’ve been waiting for this one, haven’t you? Have you always thought that was a camel gracing the cover of those books and logos? You have been dragged through the wash-basin coated with a thick ream of deceit then, my friend, as that is the American Bald Eagle flying gracefully through the sky… with a large tumor on its back… and so old that hair has replaced it’s once beautiful bounty of brown and white feathers. In other words, it’s an old ass bird that looks like a tired old camel. This language had its hey day. Remember a decade ago? The year was 1999 and anyone who touched a computer had a gold-laced condom wrap their body in a lubricated mess into the everglades of Silicon Valley. Yes, this was the year everyone loved just after Mr. Vice President invented our now fond Internet. Perl was king. Well, OK, so the bandwagon junkies that surround all the other languages that hadn’t hit prime-time had yet to be conceived and couldn’t preach like a blind, white plantation owner describing how they witnessed his family being enslaved in the 1800’s (think about that one, it’s not racist). Thems’ were the days, eh? It’s like comparing the vote tally between Perot, Buchanan, Nader and Weill… the popularity faded into a massive black hole, proliferating into the last of the list; the one you surely don’t know (and received 485 popular votes last year). Similarly, Perl has two a fence you can cross that has divided the community into halves: the ones who are or have left and the ones who are awaiting for the next revision of the language that will mark all other languages obsolete yet is taking just long enough to mark a point of chasing its own extinction before it can come to a v1 while throwing new features at it to slow it down. “Inline comments, mothereffer” … yeah, that was in HTML in 1992, try again. So, here’s to you, Perl. It’s been fun, but you had your day. You’ve split your community and hardly anyone remembers you exist. Good work.

Ruby

Australian Sex Party

The new kid on the block that shimmers in the dull neon that reflects from the shackled geeks who use it like a Ruby in a cave. Sex sells, Ruby knows it and Ruby is the sexiest language people can pick right now. Other than keeping true to the same attributes that make senior quarterbacks popular in high-school (though everyone looks cool without that smug semi-colon mustache), there is little left to offer that isn’t already available in every other language. Well, except that one framework that nobody can STFU about. Except… oh, never mind. Here’s the thing: even on a solid foundation of type checking and inherited polymorphism, encapsulation and inheritance with a good and freely distributed framework with a growing community, the fact is: everyone flocked to it for a bit because it was the cool jock with tight abs. Soon, high school will be over and you won’t be as sexy as you were and you will only be able to continue to live based off the foundation that your v1 language has tried to pour. Just remember: foundations crack when it’s sub-zero temperatures and you try to put a 100-story sky-scraper on top.

Python

Pirate Party of the United States

Aaarrrrrrrr, matie. So take the images of swashbuckling, beard-baring, fermented urine drinking bad-asses of the sea out of your mind completely as there is no way a guy name Guido could give the edgy characteristics necessary to keep this persona. The truth is, this language is just like all the others only nobody will admit to it. To differentiate its self, it stands behind the critical issue that all developers must adhere to the same spacing styles that the language defines. Oh, well, strict spacing? Now why in the world hasn’t anyone ever thought of that before? Guess what, they did and it’s dumb. But, it’s the defining characteristic that everyone draws and the one that is stood behind. Good for you, Mr. Python. Of course, cute looking code is a great feature, to be sure. Yet so are all the other distinctly unique attributes such as platform independence via interpretation, extensibility into other languages, embedding itself into other applications, primitive data types. Uh oh.. wait one second… yes, all of those features are available in just about every 4th generation language available to date. Sorry. The thing is that it’s a fine language to use and brings as many pros and cons as many other of its interpreted counterparts – because it’s a mirror image of its counterparts (although the mirror has had a quick coat of Windex applied). So, cool name and good job picking the most random soapbox to build your platform on, Captain Perlbyva.

PHP

Independent Party

You walk to the beat of a different drum. Except, what you call a drum, everyone else calls a piece of paper. And what you call walking, everyone else calls crawling. Still, you have invaded the entire internet with your deceitful magic. I suppose anything that has been striped of all its integrity and logic can be simple enough to gain a following of lemmings. When everyone adopts a general practice, like namespaces, BAH! you say, who needs ‘em? Case sensitivity? Meh, who needs the SHIFT key – saving characters is good practice. Unicode? ASCII is easier to spell. Yes, walking to the beat of a different piece of paper indeed. The thing is, being independent isn’t a bad thing, but it’s just so much easier to cut a little bit here and there so you can move on to the next thing… until there’s no more map to tell you where you’ve been… and then you go off and do it again. Just remember: the least path of resistance is only the lesser of the paths the first time.

*.ML

No party, you cant even vote

This is simple: SGML, HTML, XML and any other ML ain’t a programming language. It defines structure, it doesn’t generate it.

Well gang, that’s it. You’re welcome. This brilliant light of genius has brought us together and you will leave a little smarter and for that, you can thank me. Yes, yes, I have left out a bundle of languages including all of those designed my my good buddies at Microsoft. You know, I could go on like this, but the joke got a little tiring after the third language… I’m sure your creative streak can make up the rest.

Tags: humor, Programming

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